Wednesday, July 9, 2014

July 9, 2014 Writers Digest/ If Only

If Only
The morning wakes
The colors blue
Pink and lavender
Promises of a summer morn
Again all is still

In the beginning
I felt guilt about everything
What I should have done
Could have done
If only things had been different
With your help
I realized guilt was a waste
Of time... and energy
A wasteland where I didn’t
Want to dwell

I had to forgive myself
I did what I could
As best I could
There is no blame
I loved you
And you loved me
Both the same
You were my only child
And I gave you all my love
You awoke and were surprised
To see me there
Surprised I had come
I knew you were sick
But did not see with ‘real’ eyes
That it would be the last time
You stepped gracefully
From the scene
Left me there all alone
Each day I grieve your absence
There is no blame
For you and me

July 9, 2014

Note:  When my Son died, I suffered such guilt.  Examined everything, thought I had to explain, if only to myself, yet to be a parent is very hard, I wasn't prepared, he was my first child, my last, my only one, and I'm sure I made so many mistakes with him, but through the years he taught me much, if only I could start over, I could be a better parent.  But through it all I loved him in a way only a Mother could.  

When he was growing up, I remember a friend told me, "You know there will be a time, when only God and his Mother will love him.  And then there will come another time, that only God will love him."  I'm sure that was referring to the teen years, and yes they were hard, but I would not have traded him for another.


Sherry Blue Sky said...

I know that guilt, Annell. We did not have the wisdom then the years have taught us. But we did the best we could and gave them all our love. Bottom line, what was between you and Jim, at the end, was only love. That is what we hang onto. Your poems for him are so beautiful. It is such a huge loss.

Brian Miller said...

def part of the journey...the guilt...thinking we had the power to change it...but we can not....and forgiving ourselves of a huge first step annell...and allows us to celebrate the life we did have with them....