Saturday, July 12, 2014

July 12, 2014 The Sunday Whirl/Rain in the Afternoon

Rain in the Afternoon
Cools the ragged heat of day
Oh how I dread the night
Filled with ghosts
I lie down to find my bed is full
Of my own awful thoughts
Thoughts of those last days
Thoughts of when you went away
Thoughts of when your were lost
All thoughts of yesterday

Turn on the lights
Make the images
Of the past disappear
They are not real
They are only memories
After all
You ask me to be strong

I light a candle
In the familiar
Room of now
Familiar book
Familiar chair
The morning wakes
To find me here

It is simple
Blood of my blood
You weren’t
Heart of my heart
Is what you were

In my mind
I hold you in my arms
Once more
Just for a little while
Beautiful boy
With tousled golden hair
A Prince you were
In your Mother’s heart

July 12,2014

Note:  It has been 36 days since my Son died.  I make it through the day without too much distress, perhaps just a few tears, but it is the is as if I become hyper vigilant, my chest is tight, I cry for missing him.  My mind goes back to all the days of his life, when he was in my care and to the week before he died, and the days that followed.

Perhaps one reason it is so hard, as a Mother, it was my charge to keep him safe...even though I know it is an ‘old tape,’ it still plays over and over, and I could not.  He was my Son, he got sick and he died.  Willy sings, “It ain’t supposed to be that way.” 

I am working on letting that go, but perhaps the wound is still to raw, it is too soon.

My I Ching seems perfect for this day.

Dear annell, this is your I Ching for Saturday, July 12th:

Chien: Development,
To obtain what you want, you must proceed gradually. Do not try to rush things or be taken by enthusiasm. To reach the desired results, go forward calm and with constancy; on the way you will med your errors.



Ching 53



Brian Miller said...

he will always be the prince in your mothers eye...though i imagine the memories are going to stay pretty heavy for a no way would i ever try to compare it, but when my wife lost her mom, it took quite a while...i understand too the wanting to keep our kids safe...know it is not your fault though...

Sherry Blue Sky said...

So beautiful, that he was the prince in your heart. The nights sound so hard, Annell. I remember that. The emptyness. Yes, gentle steps, slow and patient........

Jae Rose said...

Who would not miss their beautiful golden must do what you must...I am sorry your bed is so heavy and full..maybe it will be filled with some good dreams again one day soon...with love for you and your beautiful words xo

Nara Malone said...

Hugs for you and your wonderful boy...again no comparison, but when I lost my father I found my way out of the grief by writing poems for him. I still do write for him on the days when the memories overwhelm me.

kaykuala said...

To lose someone of one's own flesh and blood cannot be compared to any kind of loss. But one mourns for the memory which is appropriate and healthy. It is necessary for those left behind. Mindful of the fact that the loss is taken through the good hands of Providence the alMighty and he is now resting his soul with no pain! Wonderful and powerful write annell!


J Cosmo Newbery said...

That is sad. At all levels.