July 9, 2014 Writers Digest/ If Only

If Only

The morning wakes

The colors blue

Pink and lavender

Promises of a summer morn

Again all is still

In the beginning

I felt guilt about everything

What I should have done

Could have done

If only things had been different

With your help

I realized guilt was a waste

Of time... and energy

A wasteland where I didn’t

Want to dwell

I had to forgive myself

I did what I could

As best I could

There is no blame

I loved you

And you loved me

Both the same

You were my only child

And I gave you all my love

You awoke and were surprised

To see me there

Surprised I had come

I knew you were sick

But did not see with ‘real’ eyes

That it would be the last time

You stepped gracefully

From the scene

Left me there all alone

Each day I grieve your absence

There is no blame

For you and me

July 9, 2014

Note:  When my Son died, I suffered such guilt.  Examined everything, thought I had to explain, if only to myself, yet to be a parent is very hard, I wasn't prepared, he was my first child, my last, my only one, and I'm sure I made so many mistakes with him, but through the years he taught me much, if only I could start over, I could be a better parent.  But through it all I loved him in a way only a Mother could.  

When he was growing up, I remember a friend told me, "You know there will be a time, when only God and his Mother will love him.  And then there will come another time, that only God will love him."  I'm sure that was referring to the teen years, and yes they were hard, but I would not have traded him for another.