Rain in the Afternoon
Cools the ragged heat of day
Oh how I dread the night
Filled with ghosts
I lie down to find my bed is full
Of my own awful thoughts
Thoughts of those last days
Thoughts of when you went away
Thoughts of when your were lost
All thoughts of yesterday
Turn on the lights
Make the images
Of the past disappear
They are not real
They are only memories
After all
You ask me to be strong
I light a candle
In the familiar
Room of now
Familiar book
Familiar chair
The morning wakes
To find me here
It is simple
Blood of my blood
You weren’t
Heart of my heart
Is what you were
In my mind
I hold you in my arms
Once more
Just for a little while
Beautiful boy
With tousled golden hair
A Prince you were
In your Mother’s heart
July 12,2014
Note: It has been 36
days since my Son died. I make it
through the day without too much distress, perhaps just a few tears, but it is
the nights...it is as if I become hyper vigilant, my chest is tight, I cry for
missing him. My mind goes back to all
the days of his life, when he was in my care and to the week before he died,
and the days that followed.
Perhaps one reason it is so hard, as a Mother, it was my
charge to keep him safe...even though I know it is an ‘old tape,’ it still
plays over and over, and I could not. He
was my Son, he got sick and he died.
Willy sings, “It ain’t supposed to be that way.”
I am working on letting that go, but perhaps the wound is
still to raw, it is too soon.
My I Ching seems perfect for this day.
Dear annell, this is your I Ching for Saturday,
July 12th:
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Chien: Development,
To
obtain what you want, you must proceed gradually. Do not try to rush things
or be taken by enthusiasm. To reach the desired results, go forward calm and
with constancy; on the way you will med your errors.
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6 comments:
he will always be the prince in your mothers eye...though i imagine the memories are going to stay pretty heavy for a bit...in no way would i ever try to compare it, but when my wife lost her mom, it took quite a while...i understand too the wanting to keep our kids safe...know it is not your fault though...
So beautiful, that he was the prince in your heart. The nights sound so hard, Annell. I remember that. The emptyness. Yes, gentle steps, slow and patient........
Who would not miss their beautiful golden boy...you must do what you must...I am sorry your bed is so heavy and full..maybe it will be filled with some good dreams again one day soon...with love for you and your beautiful words xo
Hugs for you and your wonderful boy...again no comparison, but when I lost my father I found my way out of the grief by writing poems for him. I still do write for him on the days when the memories overwhelm me.
To lose someone of one's own flesh and blood cannot be compared to any kind of loss. But one mourns for the memory which is appropriate and healthy. It is necessary for those left behind. Mindful of the fact that the loss is taken through the good hands of Providence the alMighty and he is now resting his soul with no pain! Wonderful and powerful write annell!
Hank
That is sad. At all levels.
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