July 12, 2014 The Sunday Whirl/Rain in the Afternoon

Rain in the Afternoon

Cools the ragged heat of day

Oh how I dread the night

Filled with ghosts

I lie down to find my bed is full

Of my own awful thoughts

Thoughts of those last days

Thoughts of when you went away

Thoughts of when your were lost

All thoughts of yesterday

Turn on the lights

Make the images

Of the past disappear

They are not real

They are only memories

After all

You ask me to be strong

I light a candle

In the familiar

Room of now

Familiar book

Familiar chair

The morning wakes

To find me here

It is simple

Blood of my blood

You weren’t

Heart of my heart

Is what you were

In my mind

I hold you in my arms

Once more

Just for a little while

Beautiful boy

With tousled golden hair

A Prince you were

In your Mother’s heart

July 12,2014

Note:  It has been 36 days since my Son died.  I make it through the day without too much distress, perhaps just a few tears, but it is the nights...it is as if I become hyper vigilant, my chest is tight, I cry for missing him.  My mind goes back to all the days of his life, when he was in my care and to the week before he died, and the days that followed.

Perhaps one reason it is so hard, as a Mother, it was my charge to keep him safe...even though I know it is an ‘old tape,’ it still plays over and over, and I could not.  He was my Son, he got sick and he died.  Willy sings, “It ain’t supposed to be that way.” 

I am working on letting that go, but perhaps the wound is still to raw, it is too soon.

My I Ching seems perfect for this day.

Dear annell, this is your I Ching for Saturday, July 12th:
Chien: Development, To obtain what you want, you must proceed gradually. Do not try to rush things or be taken by enthusiasm. To reach the desired results, go forward calm and with constancy; on the way you will med your errors.

Wind Mountain Ching 53

 

July 9, 2014 Writers Digest/ If Only

If Only

The morning wakes

The colors blue

Pink and lavender

Promises of a summer morn

Again all is still

In the beginning

I felt guilt about everything

What I should have done

Could have done

If only things had been different

With your help

I realized guilt was a waste

Of time... and energy

A wasteland where I didn’t

Want to dwell

I had to forgive myself

I did what I could

As best I could

There is no blame

I loved you

And you loved me

Both the same

You were my only child

And I gave you all my love

You awoke and were surprised

To see me there

Surprised I had come

I knew you were sick

But did not see with ‘real’ eyes

That it would be the last time

You stepped gracefully

From the scene

Left me there all alone

Each day I grieve your absence

There is no blame

For you and me

July 9, 2014

Note:  When my Son died, I suffered such guilt.  Examined everything, thought I had to explain, if only to myself, yet to be a parent is very hard, I wasn't prepared, he was my first child, my last, my only one, and I'm sure I made so many mistakes with him, but through the years he taught me much, if only I could start over, I could be a better parent.  But through it all I loved him in a way only a Mother could.  

When he was growing up, I remember a friend told me, "You know there will be a time, when only God and his Mother will love him.  And then there will come another time, that only God will love him."  I'm sure that was referring to the teen years, and yes they were hard, but I would not have traded him for another.

July 5, 2014 The Sunday Whirl/The Old Woman and Her Boy

Tranquility by Christopher Korody

The Old Woman and Her Boy

On the hill overlooking

The rock wall of the gorge

Walking rain on hilltops

In all directions

As far as the eye could see

Hondo Valley below

Taos Mountain in the east

A land of many ghosts

Some say they hear the cries
Carried on the wind

From earlier times

Blood and sorrow soaked

The earth we walk on

Lightening lights up the skies

Made the holiday fireworks

Look small in comparison

At last the first drops

Of the longed for rain

Pulled the cape closer to me

Looked for you in the landscape

Blue mountains dark in the distance

The subtle sunset of tangled grey

The valley every shade of green

Tiny houses scattered on the valley floor

Lit with candles like children’s toys

A bird’s eye view and where were you

The answer simple
Not a babe in arms

As when you were small

But in my heart

Your blood...my blood

The old woman and her boy

So it shall be

Without question

My Son and me

July 5, 2014

Turbulence by Christopher Korody

Note:  We celebrated with friends in a house with incredible views, overlooking Hondo Valley.  It has not been a month since my Son's death, I asked that we not talk about it, and we didn't, but I cannot say he was not in my mind and in my heart, where I know he will always be.

July 3, 2014 Writers Digest/New Surounding Without You

New Surrounding Without You

What is the world without you

The sun doesn’t shine as bright

The rain isn’t as wet

The moon seems a little duller

The night darker

The stars don’t sparkle

Like they used to

The mountains aren’t as high

The rivers run slower

Everything is less

I am lonely without you

The desert is drier

The winter is colder

The summer is hotter

The birds sing less

Their song lower

The air I breathe is less

The food I eat has no taste

Without you

The world I live in

Is empty now

Just a little less wonderful

Without you

July 3, 2014

Imaginary Garden with Read Toads: Open Link Monday/ Where Are You

Where Are You

Lonely echo is blue

The world is blue

At its edges

And in its depths

Blue is the distance

I am from you

When I think of you

I think of blue

The color of emotions

The color of love

That fills atmosphere

And colors the distance

The color blue

Beauty of the world

Blue at the horizon

Blue of the land

Dissolving into the sky

The light that gets lost

In the distance

Blue of distant horizons

Remote mountain ranges

Anything far away

Of emotion

Of solitude

Of desire

There seen from here

The color of where you are not

Longing is full of endless distances

Distances where you never arrive

The distance I am from you

Note:  Found poem from A Field Guide to Getting Lost, Rebecca Solnit.  Most of the words were found as written in Rebecca's book.

June 29, 2014